If only Gucci made ski clothes

Europeans have always been famous -in circles where Liberace is still a hot topic- for their style. I only brought a pair of jeans and a tee shirt with me for six months (everything else is for skiing), so you can immagine where I stand on their ridiculous costumes. But, having vowed to discuss all things Euro-skiing and having aleady started this sentence with a conjunction, I will venture to delve into some style points.

Europe is not as cold as New England, due to the Jet Stream flowing smoothly up from the gulf (can we charge them for that?). But it was below zero (celsius - learn it!) for the past week. There were still lots of people skiing without hats or gloves. Granted, most of these people are still doing the "Noodle" alla Harkin Banks in Hot Dog... The Movie and are seriously overexerting themselves, but still... their ears are white! Is it worth losing over 50% of your sound reception so that you can look oh-so-smooth on the mountain? I would love to see someone get a finger amputated here. That would probably not teach them anything, or they would have started adopting practical fashions years agao, but it would still be justice.

Look at me! I'm sponsored! This is what Europeans are saying to you when you look at their jackets. In America we have a few of these, too. You can get a Spyder jacket for 500 dollars, or you can get the same Spyder jacket with the same sponsors as Bode Miller for 650 dollars. The only thing is, Bode doesn't pay for his jackets. I bet if he could get the same jacket without logos for free, he would. And Bode is not in the 1500 SAT range. Not even with the new SATs. In America, we laugh at this and at the rare New Yorker who comes to Killington with his Bode Jacket and his Rosignol Cut rental skis. In Italy, I am such a loser - the only company on my jacket is the one that made it!

So if the skier is wearing a normal jacket and a hat and gloves, evrything is wavy gravy, right? I think we all know I wouldn't have posed this question if the answer were a simple yes. The probem with Euros who wear hats is that they wear hats like this (minus the face paint, so far):Seriously. They wear these ridiculous hats with fake hair popping out of their domes in weird colors. And they think it makes them fashionable.

So we can take a few key points from these observations to avoid being ostracized.
1) Try to avoid functional clothing at all costs.
2) If you are going to use functional clothing, make sure it looks as close to useless as possible, while still looking like you gave up two weeks of lap dances at Club Super Sex to afford it.
3) When in doubt, maintain an air of total smuggness.